Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mothers's Day Mom.  I miss you so much. I miss having you in my life and teaching me all the things you learn from your mother.  It is hard learning so many things on your own and learning some of them so late in life.  I feel so jipped.  I didn't have you see me go off to college and graduate, help me pick out my wedding dress or see your beautiful grand daughter.  I secretly hope you were there for those moments.

It's ironic that when I hug Emily I squeeze so hard.  When she was little, she would say, "Mom"!  Now that she is older, she indulges me and hugs me back just as hard.  I love her for that.  I think she knows how much I miss Grandma Eleanor.  Sometimes I think she understands my pain better than me.

Why am I missing you so much this year?  As I sit here with tears in my eyes I feel a lump in my throat and an emmense sense of lonliness.  Lonliness is so uncomfortable.  I can't explain it. I want to run, I want to cry harder; just do anything to make it go away.  I know, I will eat. That will change my focus... Yeah, it did for the ten minutes it took me to eat a big piece of Friendly's Watermelon roll.  Those ten minutes of relief felt so good.  Wait, I am feeling that uncomfortableness again and my eyes have swelled with so many tears that now I am crying again.  I don't want to feel that way. Do I sit here and let it pass or eat more?

I have been told I need to be with the uncomfortableness; that I can run away from it but it never really leaves.  I am tired of running.  As long as I keep running, I am not in control.  I am being run by my emotions.  I have been fooling myself that I have dealt with losing you Mom.  I think it explains this recent bout of depression.  The question is whether or not I will let the depression win and knock me down again.  I think I have a choice this time, unlike last fall when I was engulfed by depression and couldn't find a way out. The irony is...sometimes its just easier to cuddle up with the blanket of depression.  Once you get used to the pain it is numbing.  It is probably hard for peopel that don't suffer from depression to understand. Infact, it probably sounds selfish and to a large extent I guess it is. But just as water takes the path of least resistance, depression is somtimes the path of least resistance.  Pain sucks.

I remember sitting in my therapist's office last fall discussing how to deal with how I was feeling.  We were talking and then the light bulb came on and asked her, "Do you mean I have to pull myself out of this?"  And she said, "Yes you do".  I was so overwhelmed.  I thought I was going to have a medication change and that I would naturally start to come around.  Boy, was I wrong.

I am not sure now if one can beat depression; I think it is something that is managed. So today I am dealing with it by being sad and recognizing that I miss you Mom.  I miss not having you here with me to hug and say I love you. I wish I could hear you tell me you are proud of me. 

Happy Mother's Day Mom.  I love you and miss you.

Its a beautiful morning

What a gorgeous morning!  Up at 5:30 with Roxy to go for a walk.  The sun was bright, it was just slightly brisk and I could tell she enjoyed the walk as much as I did.  It is this kind of weather that makes me literally look straight up to the heavens and smile.  I think I could have walked foreve if I didn't have to go to work. 

I love what sunshine does for me.  It is as though I can drink it in and feel the energy eminate through my body.  It is refreshing, especially early in the morning.  Somehow I can't seem to corral all that energy for the whole day.  After only a short amount of time inside at work. I felt the need to look out the windows and the desire to be outside.  Maybe its because we haven't had much sun lately; just alot of drizzle and rain. 

Bring it on summer.

Funky Beauty

See the bee in the middle.  And we think we have it hard.

Today was a beautiful day.  I spent alot of time outside and attended a wonderful bridal shower.  I am not sure I will ever understand how I can be feeling fine one minute and be hit with a wave of emotions and tears the next.  Sometimes I can feel the emotions and feelings and then let them pass but other days I can't.   The feelings sometimes take over and I can feel myself getting into a funk. 

I have been in a little bit of a funk this week.  I had several days when I just wanted to be alone.  It is tough because I work with alot of people and I need to interact with them.  That is when smiling and being cordial is work.  I am mentally and emotionally exhausted when I get home.  Sometimes I even hide it from my husband because I don't want to burden him.  I know he cares but I just think I am better off keeping it to myself.  And then I go to sleep and hopefully wake up refreshed.  Luckily, this week I didn't carry over these feelings day after day.  If I feel kind of funky this week, I will look at these pictures and focus on the beauty.

Remember doing this when you were young?

My Roxy exploring the yard (and unweeded garden)

Run Your Own Race

I attended the volunteer orientation today for ACE Fitchburg, the shelter where we adopted to Roxy. I am eager to be able to help the dogs that are there. I had several people tell me they didn't think they could volunteer; it would be too hard. I look at it as a way to bring joy to the dogs for a few hours each day. (And oh, bring joy to my life too). Someone posted to a previous blog that it is the simple things in life that are important. How many times have I heard that? I have, at certain times during my life, understood that quote. Then something changes and I willingly step into the gerbal wheel and keep running and running. I've made some huge changes in my life over the last eight months. The biggest change one was to consciously step out of wheel and run my own race. Today I ran my own race. It's a great feeling, kind of like the feeling I had after I ran my first 5K. It wasn't the adreneline rush but rather a feeling of contentment and smiling more. It is the ability to see and appreciate the simple things. My race today included: volunteering, stopping to take pictures of beautiful wisteria and a silly Alpaca (I think that is what is was), and then playing with Roxy. No one thing took very long but the enjoyment was amazing. The simple things are all around us. We just have to step out of the wheel to see them. Here are two of my simple things for today.

SMILE :)

A heavy heart

My heart is still heavy over the death of Junior Seau. The pain he was feeling must have been so overwhelming. I can remember feeling as though it didn't matter if I was alive or dead; feeling as though I was so insignificant. And that feeling perpetuates lonliness, even to the point where its easy to stay in bed for a day, or two or three. I am thankful I was able to escape from the prison of depression. Someone posted that they hard a hard time understanding how someone that "has it all" could talk thier own life. What is "having it all?" And if you "have it all" are you always happy? I think "being happy" is over-rated. Because I am not over-the-top, outwardly "happy", doesn't mean I am not content. It's OK for me to not be bouncing with joy; I can just chill and be me and still have it all. Having it all to me is: * Having Emily for my daughter * Smelling lilacs when I walk out the door * Hearing the frogs when I lie in bed at night * Being married to Mark * Being able to hike and run and sweat * Being kissed by my dog What do all those things have in common? They don't require money. They don't even have a price. I wanted to believe that monetary things weren't that important but they were. Having the approval of others, was also high on my list although I didn't recognize it or want to believe it. It took 50 years and a severe depressive episode to change my list and live it everyday. I wish Junior could have stopped to smell the roses, literally, and been able to appreciate it. What does having it all mean to you? Have you smelled a rose lately? My heart is a little less heavy

One more thought

The other reason I wanted to start this blog is because have suffered from depression for most of my life. Last year I suffered a severe depressive episode. I was so lonely and almost paralyzed in my ability to help myself. It is a not something most people willingly talk about but if one person reads this and is able to take one step toward better health then I will have had an effect on the world. So I will write about my depression, how it has and continues to effect my life and ... How I try to keep marching on each day and actually find joy.

"If you are tired of starting over, stop giving up". I am not sure who the author of that quote is but they sure as hell never tried to start a blog. I thought I had this down and now can't figure out how to share the blog with others. Good thing I like myself. I think I will be my biggest fan. :)

Woooot Wooooot

Today is begining of a new beginning. I have wanted to start a new blog for a while. What took me so long? I guess I just didn't want it bad enough. A little encouragement from a peer at work was all it took. So onward and upward. I will be writing about all parts of my life and of randomness...in my head, in the world, or maybe just a stream of consciousness. Now to get back to work before big bad Corporate knows I am blogging at work. Oops. They probably already know.