Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mothers's Day Mom.  I miss you so much. I miss having you in my life and teaching me all the things you learn from your mother.  It is hard learning so many things on your own and learning some of them so late in life.  I feel so jipped.  I didn't have you see me go off to college and graduate, help me pick out my wedding dress or see your beautiful grand daughter.  I secretly hope you were there for those moments.

It's ironic that when I hug Emily I squeeze so hard.  When she was little, she would say, "Mom"!  Now that she is older, she indulges me and hugs me back just as hard.  I love her for that.  I think she knows how much I miss Grandma Eleanor.  Sometimes I think she understands my pain better than me.

Why am I missing you so much this year?  As I sit here with tears in my eyes I feel a lump in my throat and an emmense sense of lonliness.  Lonliness is so uncomfortable.  I can't explain it. I want to run, I want to cry harder; just do anything to make it go away.  I know, I will eat. That will change my focus... Yeah, it did for the ten minutes it took me to eat a big piece of Friendly's Watermelon roll.  Those ten minutes of relief felt so good.  Wait, I am feeling that uncomfortableness again and my eyes have swelled with so many tears that now I am crying again.  I don't want to feel that way. Do I sit here and let it pass or eat more?

I have been told I need to be with the uncomfortableness; that I can run away from it but it never really leaves.  I am tired of running.  As long as I keep running, I am not in control.  I am being run by my emotions.  I have been fooling myself that I have dealt with losing you Mom.  I think it explains this recent bout of depression.  The question is whether or not I will let the depression win and knock me down again.  I think I have a choice this time, unlike last fall when I was engulfed by depression and couldn't find a way out. The irony is...sometimes its just easier to cuddle up with the blanket of depression.  Once you get used to the pain it is numbing.  It is probably hard for peopel that don't suffer from depression to understand. Infact, it probably sounds selfish and to a large extent I guess it is. But just as water takes the path of least resistance, depression is somtimes the path of least resistance.  Pain sucks.

I remember sitting in my therapist's office last fall discussing how to deal with how I was feeling.  We were talking and then the light bulb came on and asked her, "Do you mean I have to pull myself out of this?"  And she said, "Yes you do".  I was so overwhelmed.  I thought I was going to have a medication change and that I would naturally start to come around.  Boy, was I wrong.

I am not sure now if one can beat depression; I think it is something that is managed. So today I am dealing with it by being sad and recognizing that I miss you Mom.  I miss not having you here with me to hug and say I love you. I wish I could hear you tell me you are proud of me. 

Happy Mother's Day Mom.  I love you and miss you.